I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
