47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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