I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
