After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
