i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
