Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
