im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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