I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
