when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
