John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
