chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
