I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
try to milk me bitch
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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