Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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