One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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