Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
