If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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