You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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