the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It's blow job season.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
