You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
