my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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