How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
