Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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