"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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