Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
