i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
