New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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