Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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