just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
