Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
