Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
