Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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