He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
