What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
