I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
