Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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