dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
