Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize