True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
