I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm getting married
To pizza
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
