she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
