I just pynch a tree in the face
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
