I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
