I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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