If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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