First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
