It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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