No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
