I cannot find my penis.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
