He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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