Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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