the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
it's like iHOP with fire
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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