Me too!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
