Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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