i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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