Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
