my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
