i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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