You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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