Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
