Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
